the world isn't made out of molecules..it's made out of stories!

though i intend more of a reflection than a response  will reply directly by saying: i am sorry for any hurt that i caused you during our relationship, or any poisonous feelings that lingered after it had run its course.
and i am grateful that i happened to check this thing at the time that i did. in fact, i had forgotten all about that person and situation.. even when the name would get said. friends have that name, i hear it, often enough.

 the smug bitter tone you write in actually stirs in me, some of those kinds of emotions of just wanting to dig my nails into a tender fleshy spot until a yelp comes out, but i recognize that those are not my energies, thoughts or emotions and i refuse to perpetuate them by indulging in the violent, childish desire to invalidate past connections when faced with criticism (especially when it is tinged with a mock satisfactioin at one`s own faults.)

and onto personal reflection (meant, by no means to be justification of any action i have taken, i owe that justification to myself and my body and no one else)

drunken,  and later regretted debauchary has become an interesting theme of late in life (if three isolated incidents can be considered a theme in life.. perhaps just an especially.. blatant thread of an overarching theme). alcohol exaggerates any situation but is never a primary motivating factor in any action; in my life, anyway. in hindsight i suppose it is often easy enough to spot the points in a situation where, again, in hindsight, i would have preffered things stopped. no, you cant come to my house, random girl following and pushing yourself upon me; no, id rather you didnt kiss me, acquainted but rather random girl i am sharing about with; no, id rather you didnt kiss me, befriended but still rather random girl.
having boy parts, the issue of consent is a confusing thing to deal with, we are, having boy parts, conditioned to think that it is ideal to use them at any opportunity that presents itself (this is even manifest in our language ie ``fuck that bitch`` as an expression regarding  forgetting about or getting ridding of an unwanted female). the dominant patriarchal culture teaches that the sexual act is both accepted and expected on the part of the male conjugee next to universally (with few exceptions, such as if the female belongs to another man as his wife) and programs those with male sex organs not to consider whether they want to have sex with a female organ-ed individual because the answer should be yes in nearly all circumstance. on these occaisons i found myself to have completed the act of coitus without even considering whether i was okay with it happening, and it would take until the next day often ( i speak as if it had happened on more occaisions than i can count on one hand, but nonetheless) upon waking when i would realize that i had just had sex without consenting, which is still a horrible dirty sick feeling when you have boy parts.

i am not nearly done here, merely have begun a sloppy summary but its 221 in the morning and i want to get  out of toronto and go back to the woods tommorow, and the train only runs into the morning. ill write much more about this, possibly even in here,,, i started so i will probably contiue.


smash patriarchy!

love

ur






*i invented this noun.. from conjugal

13 hours listening for the ringing
as the rails summon 72 000 000 tonnes of diesel powered steel.
an open portal
to the coast
or perhaps through the border vassis systems
and a chalice full of bitter medicine; jail time.

as fate would have it, 9 miles and
7 hours spent sleeping in a yard
listening to workers tuning
gears
and reading about mother mary.



at least i made it back in time for sketch.

the earth is a witch and the men still burn her

it wouldn't have worked out, anyway.

happy year 2000, everyone.

(read: ethiopian new year)

imma comin' home

put your seeds in the ruined ground,
pray the loves you've lost are found.

if you don't light my fire, then don't come around

imma comin' home this week. won't be 'round for long i suppose. i got a job in california, so, ill be there for october, then imma go to mexico for november. ill be home again in december.

wake up tommorow morning, see the sun shine bright.

i lo-o-ove you.

so im in this sweet (like honey) little faery town on the sunshine coast, and i have met such an eclectic collection of people, primarily Lee, this ex-balla/gang v.p. who happens to have a million dollars worth of inheritance in the bank and also can throat sing like a maniac and knows all about different edible roots and has smoked joints as big as his arm on many occaisions, but who really is a total hippy and great and very generous and kind. the place is amazing and has a giant mandala down by the beach that is painted by the residents of the community. in fact, it is not even a town but merely a community. its a nice place! and very magic. imma move here around here, later.

every now and again i discover my bride-to-be in a new place with a new face, we sit together like we always have until she has to leave again, and becomes again just an abstract notion of something i could never express or explain.

i can't ever hold onto anything i am given.
i can't even carry everything i brought!

there are all kinds of things stuck to me but
beyond that, there is nothing to me more than love for you.



while i may not stick around anyplace for long, you're welcome with me, wherever i go.

such beauty i have never known.

a success.

so much more than this human form

*yearns*

I see you every day, going about your way
there's something within your walk make me wanna say
you got it goin on, I see you very strong
I see you grindin' baby, I can't say nothing wrong
I see you shining, baby you fly and
you on point and your energy is blinding
you remind me of everything divine and
you're a cloud with silver in the lining

I lost the contract.
I had it, it was official and everything, but i mistakenly let it go up for auction,
and I wasn't willing to bid as high as others were, so the name on the contracts been changed.
It's still a binding contract, though.

guerrilla network, talk like an expert, a know-nothing ain't frontin on my net worth.